Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
