Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
