i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
