she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Text me some of your sweat
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