Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
