I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
