I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
