i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
