How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I lost the right to judge tonight
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
