i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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