If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
