i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
