I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
