I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
