ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
