MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
