a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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