so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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