Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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