i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
