She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
