I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
