Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
