If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
