My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
