i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
