walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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