I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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