mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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