I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
