My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
