tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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