i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
