Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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