that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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