hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
