Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
