apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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