There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i think i have herpe
just one?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
