i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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