it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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