then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
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And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
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And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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