i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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