Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
