my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
