He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
