take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
