he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
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