I puked a lego.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
