Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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