If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
