Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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