shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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