The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Randomize
