dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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