You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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