Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
