Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
