New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
