I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
