if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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